Monday, 24 November 2014

Head vs Heart: The Big Showdown

Currently Raging Inside Me: A Battle of Head and Heart

"Ok," says my Head, "I've checked Gellar's qualities against our Boyfriend Potential list."

"Without me?" replies my Heart. "I thought we agreed to do these things together from now on?"

"We are!" my Head tells her impatiently. "That's why I'm coming to you now, with the results. So we can discuss it rationally."

Heart rolls her eyes but looks over at the list with curiosity.

"So he's come out with a very strong score of 9/10," says Head. "He can cook, he's really ambitious, just like us, our friends like him and his IQ is well above average."

"As high as ours?" asks Heart, smirking.

Head sighs and says reluctantly, "Maybe a little higher. But we won't tell him that. He didn't get a top score because he doesn't go to the gym or like Harry Potter, so our TIC percentage is a little low at just 55%."

"What's TIC again?"

"Things in Common."

"Well, I guess we'd find new things to enjoy together," allows Heart. "Let me see the rest of the list."

Head hands it over, confident in her thorough evaluation.

Heart surveys it closely. "Yep, I agree with the Cuteness score - especially when he's with animals. Definitely trustworthy, despite his past indiscretions... Sexual Compatibility is a bit low but his eagerness to please will balance that out."

"So are we decided then?" Head asks tentatively.

"No," replies Heart. "Still not sure."

"What more do you want?!" Head exclaims.

"I don't know," shrugs Heart, "I'm not sure I trust your list."

"This system is fool-proof - we developed it together with data from the last two relationships and the extensive dating experiments we've undergone since. We both agreed on this list of qualities!"

Heart considers and then says, "What about Lips? How does he score?"

Head jolts and looks up from the list. "Lips? I don't have any data for Lips. He's not in the Boyfriend Potential system."

"Why not?" asks Heart. "We've been sleeping with him for 2 whole months now."

"Yes, sleeping with!" agrees Head. "I have him under casual, no-strings sex. We can't take him out of that zone."

"But we took Gellar out of the Friend Zone!" protests Heart. "I want to test Lips against the list, just in case."

"NO!" shouts Head. "That's a very bad idea. He doesn't want a girlfriend. We'd decided we didn't want a boyfriend either, remember?"

"You're the brains! Why are we having this conversation if we'd decided against relationships?"

"Because Gellar presented himself and in light of our recent disaccord I thought I should run him past you, before ruling him out. It's wise to consider all our options."

"So let's make Lips an option and consider him!" Heart responds brightly.

"I can't!"

"I'll do it for you then!" Heart begins to make a new list. "Lips is hot. He knows how to cook too. He wrote his dissertation on feminism. He lifts and his arms are huge. Every time he texts we get giggly at the thought of him."

"Argh, no! Shut up!"

Heart is outraged. "Don't tell me to shut up!"

"Stop making us think things we don't want to think!"

"Oh but it's ok for you to make me feel things I don't want to feel?!" yells Heart.

"I've apologised for that a thousand times!" Head yells back. "And you finally agreed that dumping Gym Guy was the right decision!"

"DOESN'T MEAN IT DIDN'T HURT!" screams Heart.

"Ok, ok," soothes Head, "let's look at this logically. Gellar has a score of 9/10. We don't even know enough about Lips to judge his Boyfriend Potential. Plus he's joining the Marines - he's moving away for training soon."

"But our Passion levels go off the chart for Lips!" Heart protests.

"It's just pheromones," insists Head.

"But doesn't that mean we're genetically compatible? For making babies or some shit?"

"Invalid argument. Reproduction isn't scheduled for another five years, at least."

"I want butterflies and fireworks and popping candy!" wines Heart.

"Clich├ęs," dismisses Head.

"Who has the bigger penis?"

Head gasps, affronted. "That is irrelevant, young lady!"

Heart sulks. "You're such a party pooper. I hate you."

"Because you know I'm right," Head sighs. "Either way, we have to make a decision soon. Gellar won't wait forever and Lips was a dead-end. I know you think I like being right, but I don't. And letting our feelings for Lips grow will not do us any good."

"And neither will trying to make a relationship work with Gellar - and a long-distance one at that - if we're not completely committed!"

"I know that too! But maybe we're just scared? Gellar wants a serious relationship because he really likes us. You only fancy Lips because he's unattainable and serious commitment scares you. Admit it!"

"Fine!" cries Heart. "Maybe we shouldn't date anybody! Maybe we just become the spinster cat lady all your evaluations and charts and unrealistic box-ticking are leading us to!"

Head recoils, offended. "We'll go with your method then, shall we? And throw ourselves at every male who boosts our self-esteem? Every guy with muscle-definition and a "bad-boy" demeanor? Every one who can make us reach orgasm?"

They glare at each other in silence for a while. This is infuriating.

"So what do we do?" asks my Heart sadly.

"Fuck knows," replies my Head.