Tuesday, 24 March 2015

You Sucked My Big Toe

According to the internet, there are 5 rules to having a Fuck Buddy:

  • Avoid kissing on the lips
  • Don't stay the night
  • Stick to small talk
  • No cuddling
  • Turn your heart to stone, mentally lock him in a box with a huge padlock and think of him only as a human dildo

Nobody told me these rules. So it's not really surprising that my fuck buddy and I are in a bit of pickle...

It began back in September. I named him Lips because his kiss made my knees weak, but I didn't want anything serious. On the 4th date I turned to him in bed and said, "You're cool with this just beeing sex, right?"

He laughed. "I like how you waited until after sex to bring that up."

"Priorities," I replied.

"Yeah it's cool," he said. "Makes no sense getting into anything serious."

So we embarked on our Fuck Buddy Adventure. Usually Thursdays, fortnightly, 8pm. We'd chat and then we'd fuck. It was good, uncomplicated. We signed up to go to a high-class orgy together.

I'd like to state now, for the record, that he upset our sexy apple cart first.

Sunday, 15 March 2015

If We'd Stayed Together

{Because I spend 60% of my waking life living imagined situations, considering hypothetical outcomes and writing an end to every What If... This is about my dear friend Gellar, who I could not give my heart to. And, it turns out, I was right not to. I'm so glad it has worked out for us both, that we can be friends again, but if (if, if all of the ifs) I had said Yes, where would be now?}

We'd have been together about a month when you found out. If circumstances had been different, I might have fallen in love with you by then. If it had just felt right when we kissed. If the whole mess that is my life hadn't dragged me away. If I'd finally fallen for you after willing for it for so long, it would have been with a beautiful thud of pieces slotting together and a calm acceptance. 

If you had become Mine. My boyfriend. We would have clocked up weeks' worth of late night phone calls, whole albums of naughty pictures and all the other hallmarks of a long distance relationship. My phone, the vessel of our affection, would be my most precious possession; I'd think of it, of you, last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  

When you got the news, would you have told me straight away?