Monday, 24 November 2014

Head vs Heart: The Big Showdown

Currently Raging Inside Me: A Battle of Head and Heart

"Ok," says my Head, "I've checked Gellar's qualities against our Boyfriend Potential list."

"Without me?" replies my Heart. "I thought we agreed to do these things together from now on?"

"We are!" my Head tells her impatiently. "That's why I'm coming to you now, with the results. So we can discuss it rationally."

Heart rolls her eyes but looks over at the list with curiosity.

"So he's come out with a very strong score of 9/10," says Head. "He can cook, he's really ambitious, just like us, our friends like him and his IQ is well above average."

"As high as ours?" asks Heart, smirking.

Head sighs and says reluctantly, "Maybe a little higher. But we won't tell him that. He didn't get a top score because he doesn't go to the gym or like Harry Potter, so our TIC percentage is a little low at just 55%."

"What's TIC again?"

"Things in Common."

"Well, I guess we'd find new things to enjoy together," allows Heart. "Let me see the rest of the list."

Head hands it over, confident in her thorough evaluation.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

The Aquarist & Femidom Confessions

There's a new boy in my life. Well, he's not new to my life, but he's a discovery. A confusing one. A head fuck. I am completely at sea and lost as to what to do about him.

He is my ex's childhood friend. We've been aware of each other for years. We shared a friendship circle for 5; he was the player, the man-whore of the group, slowly working his way through each of the girls. I was his mate's girlfriend - off limits, the red-head he wasn't allowed to get to know. That was our perception of each other. 

I can't put the man I know now to my perception of that boy, that player. They are two people, a thousand miles apart. 

His name for the purpose of this blog shall be Gellar; being a nerd happiest in the Natural History Museum and a minimalist with slight OCD, he is at once Ross and Monica from Friends. This was our first in-joke.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

{Dear Diary} That Happiness Thing?

(*Note: I wrote this 10 days ago and wasn't sure if I should post it. But putting my feelings into words helps so much and since writing this I have felt better. So if any friends read this, please don't panic, you've probably helped me already.) 

I'm in a bit of a rut. Well, actually, from down here it looks more like the grand canyon than a rut, but that's probably melodramatic. Whatever it is, I want out. But each time I think I'm at the bottom, when surely the only way is up, a little bit more of the ground beneath me crumbles away and I'm knocked flat on my back again.

2014, if I'm being completely honest, has not gone to plan. It started badly, then got considerably better for a short time, but has since spiralled into one hot mess. You wouldn't usually expect to see a reflective post so prematurely but I am so over 2014 and I can't wait for it to be forgotten.

My year began with a big break up that I recovered from swiftly enough. I was determined that 2014 would my year. Then a man walked into my life and caused me more damage than I'm prepared to admit to myself. I cut him out of my life in August and felt the loss like a missing limb. I hadn't expected the blow and I was left reeling. I thought I was better than those girls who cry over a boy. It wasn't even as if he was the love of my life, our relationship was relatively short, and yet he had gained such a hold over me. It's really shit that I still think of him every day. At first it was because I missed him, despite the bullshit, and now it's in anger and shock that I allowed him to hurt me.

I've always believed that one area of your life, be it work, family, love, money or friends, will always be shaky. If your love life is perfect your family decides to become even more dysfunctional, or if work sucks at least everything else is making up for it.

Family is always tricky - mine has more issues than Vogue, Vanity Fair and Time magazine put together. My father at last, thankfully, seems to have found some peace and is studying for the PHD and recognition he has always craved and, to be fair, deserved. Our relationship is rocky but it works because he has seen me at my worst and he did not run away. Yes, he played a part in causing me to reach that dark place, but he did not give me up to it. I can be weak before him and know that the burden will not be too much for him to bear.